The first thing I´m gonna do to take away pressure is to quit the bankroll challenge!
But this doesn´t mean that this blog will not continue! NO WAY! This blog will continue anyway......
The question is: How to continue with poker? Just for fun? With ambition? How far can I go? How will I master the mental game? ....
There are now a lot of things I have to find out and maybe make new plans? I don´t know.
I went out with a lady with BPD a rather long time ago.
Her condition was easily managed by simple medication.
I hope things work out as well for you...
All the best,
VS
Thank you Vorpal!
I already take a mood stabilizer, Lamictal, because it was long time not sure whether I have MDD or BPD? Doctors were always unsure and the last one diagnosed me with recurrent MDD. Lamictal is used in MDD as well as BPD. I have a new doctor now because the one before retired, and based on my medical history we ran a couple of tests to see what it is. I was tested for ADHD, Borderline, and some personality disorders, MDD and BPD and it turned out that it cannot be MDD! It must be BPD! So in fact, it´s bipolar disorder type II.
So, I have to be twice as careful! I have to take it slowly, carefully and easy, no pressure. That´s the way I´m gonna play poker. I don´t wanna look at my bankroll, I will just play and try to master the mental game. HOW - I have to find out now.
The books about the mental game are made for healthy people. But how a mutant like me should do it? I gotta try it out how and if it works. I don´t know. We will see......
If you're able to brigthen the mood of everyone here I don't see why you couldn't deal with your own 
Please be careful not to let this new information define you. It's easy to take it as an excuse to get discouraged, to develop a fixed mindset about success instead of a growth mindset which is the correct one to adopt.
You are not a "mutant" and the truth is the mental game is challenging for everyone anyway. Nevertheless until now you seemed to manage it pretty well. I don't see why a diagnosis should thwart all that.
That's an hell of a crazy game we're playing here. No wonder it's meant for crazy people ! 
Chinese proverb : Give a HUD to a man, he'll exploit one day, but teach him to use a tracker... and he'll complain about his AIEV all his life 
"Si debis pedere, pedis superbe. (If you must fart, fart proudly)" VorpalF2F
Originally posted by MyFloXyBabY
If you're able to brigthen the mood of everyone here I don't see why you couldn't deal with your own
Please be careful not to let this new information define you. It's easy to take it as an excuse to get discouraged, to develop a fixed mindset about success instead of a growth mindset which is the correct one to adopt.
You are not a "mutant" and the truth is the mental game is challenging for everyone anyway. Nevertheless until now you seemed to manage it pretty well. I don't see why a diagnosis should thwart all that.That's an hell of a crazy game we're playing here. No wonder it's meant for crazy people !
Too bad I can give you only one "thumb up" for your very encouraging and great post: I would love to give you 10 likes! Thank you very much, Floxy! ♠_love:♠_thumbsup:
I´m a fighter! Somehow I will make my way - just without too much pressure ♠_thumbsup:
....and what now?
I realized that the BR-challenge made me too results-oriented and put just too much pressure on me to show good results. That´s the reason why I quit it. I would like to focus on my game, on the fun I have playing pokers, on volume and how well I play the hands, no matter how the outcome is. I think I will post here more hands than results and see poker through the eyes of a pure recreational player. It´s better for me when I don´t see my BR (you can hide the current amount on Stars and Party and that´s what I will do). I will figure out some "tricks" to keep a good mindset in poker.
I have really fun playing poker but with the ambition unfortunately I somehow forgot the fun-factor. That´s what I´m gonna focus on. I don´t have the pressure to go pro or whatever, I don´t have the pressure to make a living from poker, so I can really take it easy. I even don´t have to make it to the mid- or high stakes. I won´t set myself a certain goal. Of course I wanna build my BR and improve but if it happens, it happens, if not, no problem - I can play only recreationally and stay at the micro/low stakes, right?
Another reason why I quit the challenge is that now I can cash in some amount when I wanna play an event or a tourney I like (but cannot afford due to BRM). I can cash in for a Sunday Storm or something I would love to play. This gives me more freedom to try out tourneys at the low/midstakes once in a while.
And I will play more sattys. ♠_biggrin:
So, I will focus more on the game itself and of course on fun!! Whatever happens, happens - or not..... ♠_thumbsup:
Well thank you very much Prim but you know that one "thumb up" from you is worth ten anyway
Good idea, let's keep it fun !
Chinese proverb : Give a HUD to a man, he'll exploit one day, but teach him to use a tracker... and he'll complain about his AIEV all his life
"Si debis pedere, pedis superbe. (If you must fart, fart proudly)" VorpalF2F
Poker continues - but completely free from any pressure!
Let´s see what happens ......
Originally posted by MyFloXyBabY
If you're able to brighten the mood of everyone here I don't see why you couldn't deal with your own
Another +1 to that.Seriously, your posts are one of the things that keep me coming back to this forum, together with some other blogs I follow.
I always say that poker is whatever you allow it to be: It could be a deep mind game, a competitive pseudo-sport, a war, a casual game of cards, a reckless gamble, an investment, or anything else, including all possible combinations. Just choose whatever lets you move forward as a person. Better to define poker for yourself than letting poker define you.
Keep on keeping on, we got your back.
Thank you very much for your wise words, Harrier! ♠_love:
Indeed, poker is what you allow it to be. I decided to choose the word hobby! ♠_drink:
So, this blog continues as a nice, creative, entertaining and funny hobby-blog, whatever happens, happens, or not:
Originally posted by Primrose6789
Originally posted by MyFloXyBabY
If you're able to brigthen the mood of everyone here I don't see why you couldn't deal with your own
Please be careful not to let this new information define you. It's easy to take it as an excuse to get discouraged, to develop a fixed mindset about success instead of a growth mindset which is the correct one to adopt.
You are not a "mutant" and the truth is the mental game is challenging for everyone anyway. Nevertheless until now you seemed to manage it pretty well. I don't see why a diagnosis should thwart all that.That's an hell of a crazy game we're playing here. No wonder it's meant for crazy people !
Too bad I can give you only one "thumb up" for your very encouraging and great post: I would love to give you 10 likes! Thank you very much, Floxy! ♠_love:♠_thumbsup:
I´m a fighter! Somehow I will make my way - just without too much pressure ♠_thumbsup:
:f_drink::f_drink::f_drink::f_love::f_love::f_love::f_thumbsup::f_thumbsup::f_thumbsup::f_thumbsup:
Well then: Let´s play a bit!
Playing MTTs on Party and Stars but really, I say it again: The long late reg period on Party really SUCKS!!! 
A couple of ITMs
Okay, I have to admit: Didn´t play my best poker today, made a lot of mistakes, that was my B-game. Played Bounty Hunter, Bounty Builder (Stars), Power Turbo and some "kick off" MTT (some new thing on Party?) as well as the 1,8 K Gtd and 1,5 K Gtd. on Stars. Came about 5 times ITM but not really deep runs. Could place 14th in the "kickoff" but number 1) ran quite bad and number 2) played quite bad 
Yeah, here we are: the mental game! This summer starts to get horribly on my nerves! I have more than enough of those heat waves, especially when I have to do sports. So, I´m in a pretty stinky mood and looking forward for fall and cooler temperatures. I´m already counting the days (how sick is that?). Normally I like summer but only when it´s not too hot. I like to do sports outside but what on earth you wanna do at 37°C?!
Another thing which horribly gets on my nerves is the long late reg on Party!!! Guys, are you really serious? 3 hours late reg??
It will be Powerfest on Party soon. How many hours late reg will there be?? 6???
P.S. Instead of Monday report I will post a graph from time to time......
Originally posted by Primrose6789
Another thing which horribly gets on my nerves is the long late reg on Party!!! Guys, are you really serious? 3 hours late reg??
Is this something that you can take advantage of?
On one site where I play PLO8 tournaments, there is a player who almost always registers so late he comes in with < 5 BB. A pot size bet pre-flop is more than his stack so ...
At the time late reg closes, how many big blinds are they getting?
Cheers,
VS
When it comes to mental health and mental game: OP is far less alone than she thinks. Mental health issues are rampant in society today and they largely go untreated. Even though medicine and technology has improved, controlled substances are being scrutinized to a huge degree due to the epidemic here in the States. As a result, what a patient has to go through to get on and then stay on their medication is far more than most folks who are already contending with mental illness can. Basically, the sicker they are, the less chance they'll ultimately receive any treatment.
The fact that everyone is literally hiding in virtual worlds is only exacerbating the issue. It's not healthy, it's replacing reality for them, and when they try to integrate back to reality - there's a conflict. The simple fact that OP is playing a game as mentally demanding as poker, and has accurately identified her issues, means she is already miles ahead of the game of life compared to many others in her position.
Thank you very much for your constructive and comforting input, TakeAShot!
Vorpal, I cannot even answer your question exactly, those are deep stack tourneys and after about 2 or 3 hours you got something like 15 BB? I sometimes late reg after 1 hour and you still have enough time to build a stack, especially in the Bounty Hunters where you late reg and try to K.O. people. Anyway, I think that 2 hours late reg are more than enough. I don´t feel like playing 4 hours until ITM and about 7 hours until a possible win.
By the way: Noticed I play too low - messed up currencies 
I will report here my BR like once a month or every other month, depending on the volume. Wanna have enough volume until I look at my BR and post it here. Same for the graph: Doesn´t make sense to post a graph every week, more like every month or every 3 month maybe.
Will post my BR from now on in $, made a huge currency mess with Euros and US-Dollars, one BR in Euro, one in Dollars, oh boy, no! And then made a mess with BRM and played too low buy ins because Dollars are not Euros :f_ugly::facepalm:
So, everything in US-Dollars from now on! ♠_thumbsup:
Medication
Stays the same. I´m already on a mood stabilizer and even though Paxil is an antidepressant which can quickly put me into hypomania, I take a very low dosage against anxiety. Now I have to be aware of the danger and risk of hypomania but with only 5 mg (half a pill) Paxil it should be okay.
So, don´t have to go through the torture 
of dosage or medication change. Phew! 
Originally posted by VorpalF2F
Originally posted by Primrose6789
Another thing which horribly gets on my nerves is the long late reg on Party!!! Guys, are you really serious? 3 hours late reg??Is this something that you can take advantage of?
Whether it can be exploited or not, it doesn't change the fact that these tourneys will take forever.
It seems like the only choices a player has is to reg early and play for many hours until the ITM ranks even come into sight, or reg late with a pointlessly small stack. Or you could reg somewhere in between, and combine the disadvantages of both.
In small stakes tournaments, where anything but an outstanding super deep run will only earn you a couple of bucks, this is an absolute deal-breaker. Unless, of course, it's as extreme as some of the Stars freerolls, where you can sometimes literally late reg into the money.
Originally posted by Harrier88
Whether it can be exploited or not, it doesn't change the fact that these tourneys will take forever.It seems like the only choices a player has is to reg early and play for many hours until the ITM ranks even come into sight, or reg late with a pointlessly small stack. Or you could reg somewhere in between, and combine the disadvantages of both.
In small stakes tournaments, where anything but an outstanding super deep run will only earn you a couple of bucks, this is an absolute deal-breaker. Unless, of course, it's as extreme as some of the Stars freerolls, where you can sometimes literally late reg into the money.
THIS!!! Exactly!
You play like 4 or 5 hours and then bust ITM and you played 4, 5, 6 hours for a couple of bucks? Exceptions are the Bounty Hunters, there you can win money by K.O.-ing and don´t need a deep run for good profit.
The emergency-cake or: clumsy today! :f_ugly::f_ugly::f_ugly:
Preparing everything for a sports event where I´m gonna compete as well, I baked a cake and guess what: Yeeeeeeeah, of course I dropped it on the floor! :censored::censored::censored:!!!!!!!!!!!
....and I even can´t blame my husband? :f_ugly::f_ugly::f_ugly: 
So, I´m baking now a new one (which I will hopefully not drop on the floor), marinating a roast with fresh herbs from the garden, good olive oil, salt, pepper and paprika. It´s the first time I´m baking a marble cake so gl gl gl! Wish me luck! 
