| DREAM BIGGER | My Poker Journey (featuring a side quest Tankroll Challenge $150-$1000)

@Mystt Thanks bro! We really enjoyed chilling with you on all those beaches. We will definitely meet again!

Mid August + September Update

Hey everyone it has been a little while, Looooonnng update coming up.

Firstly and most importantly, I am very proud to say that I have become a member of the Pokerdetox team. In the end I was one of 4 to be chosen (now 5!!) from the 10 Applicants which made it through to the 6 week training program. The process was gruelling but I am so thankful for it because I can see how my game has evolved tremendously when I compare and look back to where I was 3 months ago.

My time travelling and living around Asia has come to a temporary end. We left Bali around the 6th September and I spent a few days in Kuala Lumpur before catching a bus down to Singapore where I spent my last few days chilling and walking around the different areas before catching a 14 hour flight back to London. I did not realise that the day after my flight departure the Formula 1 Championship came to Singapore for the Singapore Grand Prix! Had I known I think I would have waited a few extra days before flying home.

Being back in the UK feels strange both in good and bad ways. The first few days back was spent catching up with friends around Brighton and London which also led to a night of partying. London is always fun with lots of things to do, but at the same time you see how the general culture is so much different to cultures in South East Asia. In general people just seem overworked and overstressed and generally a lot more negative when compared to the general vibes I received from locals in all the countries I visited.

I always find this topic so fascinating, how is it possible that in the UK we have such a high standard of living, healthcare, higher earnings and more freedom. Everything that people coming from less economically developed countries can only dream of having and yet in day to day life they are far happier than the average person in the UK.

It always acts as a strong reminder to myself that money and status really aren’t everything in life and it certainly does not mean that you will be happier than others because you have these extra things.
This also acts as a good reminder for me to remain balanced with my mindset especially so with my Poker Journey.

In the business of Poker the majority of us are looking to move up stakes, win that big tournament, make that big payday. It can be easy to lose track of the day to day life and living which at the end of the day the present (right now) is all we ever have. Happiness isn’t in the future we are seeking to arrive at. It needs to be found in the journey.

I feel like very slowly with time, I am starting to better understand this concept and feel that my mindset is calmer than ever and generally happier because of it!

What now for my future goals?
When I first flew out to Asia in March after quitting my job, I set myself the goal that before returning home or my savings running out, I would reach a level in Poker that would allow me to make a living / carry on travelling to different areas around the world.
At the time of setting this goal I had been breakeven at NL5 for over 200k hands.

Was I ambitious with my goals? YES VERY

Did I Achieve my goal? No (not yet anyway)

Do I feel discouraged? Not at all. If anything I feel hungrier and more motivated than ever in my pursuit.

Where will I go from here?

The primary reason I have returned back to the UK is to have an operation on an injury I have. We have free healthcare so it is worth going for it first before opting to go private. As mentioned I am still going to follow through with my goal of earning income from Poker and living around the world.

My plan while I am in the UK and waiting to have my operation is to grind my ass off with the target of saving $4000+ strictly from poker. Once I reach this amount and have had my operation that will be my green light to fly back out!

Having only made around 1k max in winnings over the last 2years+ of poker am I once again being over optimistic? Possibly… We’ll soon find out!

This update was a bit longer than planned so I’ll split it into 2. Next Up Poker results update from August + September

Dream Bigger guys!

great man! keep it up, get those 4k soon!
best of luck with your surgery!

We want more, where is the part 2??

End of August + September - On the tables updates

As mentioned in an earlier post, while waiting to hear back on the results for our application. I moved up to and started taking shots at NL10 for the first time ever! The graph below shows my results from NL10 Zoom.

I know this sample is small, especially for zoom but what is important to me is how seamlessly simple it felt moving up. I feel that where I had been stuck on NL5 for so long, I had built a mental image in my mind that moving up to the next stake would be the equivalent of facing the 'Final Boss'. As stupid as it sounds in my mind I pictured that it would be the end of fish, and once I moved up every opponent was going to be a straight up Pro. Crazy right? Well amazingly that was not the case. To my pleasant surprise there were just as many, if not more fish at NL10.

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Towards the end of August, I found out that I had been accepted into the team. It was then that our Head coach Nick and his team told us that we would all be starting on NL50!!

I mean Damn!! I’ll be honest, I was feeling kind of nervous. I mean 3 months ago I was breakeven on NL5 and now after beating NL5 and playing a successful few thousand hands on NL10 I am being told to skip a few stake levels and jump right through to NL50.

It’s still rather hard for me to describe the feeling! I think that the video clip below sums it up best. (Coincidentally the title of the video seems to fit rather well with this blog.)

So off I went to tackle NL50 zoom. As mentioned in the previous post, the first 3 weeks of September were hectic as I was spending my last few days in Asia and then flying back home and trying to get settled back in. I also came up against the same reoccurring issue of stars restricting my account until I could explain why my location has suddenly returned to European soils. (They must really start to think that this account is being used as some kind of Money-laundering mule… minus the transferring of any sort of large funds lol)

With all this I wasn’t able to start playing until the last week of September. Here are my results from my first ever attempt at NL50 zoom.

Very happy with the results. I must say I have ran pretty well. I guess it is always nice when taking on a new limit to get that little positive start. The sample size is very insignificant, especially for zoom so it will be interesting to see where I stand after a whole month of playing in October.

Goals for the coming month:

Volume – I wish I could set myself a target number of hands, but in this early stage of development it is still quite hard to choose a reasonable number as I am not sure of my multi-tabling ability and will likely be experimenting with different numbers of tables.
I think a better goal will be in total hours played and total hours spent in Poker.

For this my overall goal for October is: A minimum of 180 hours spent on Poker (either playing or studying)
Specific playing goal is: A minimum of 125 hours spent playing
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Operation Update: So I am a bit late writing this entry and we are in the last Week of October. I am having surgery in 5 days’ time! After seeing a specialist to confirm I need the operation, I was expecting a waiting list of about 3 months minimum, not 2 weeks! So I am pretty pleased as this was 1 of my 2 big objectives I needed to do before I can fly back out. Hopefully the operation goes smoothly and I will then have an excuse to grind even harder in November as the first 2 weeks I will be a vegetable unable to do much walking. On a sad note. No gym or exercise for at least 6 weeks, which is going to be tough!

Thanks for reading guys and I hope everybody is crushing!

October Update

Let’s start with last months goals
140 hours of Poker Played – 118
180 hour total spent on Poker - 181

Didn’t quite manage to reach my playing target. During the 3rd week of the month I felt that I was really starting to suffer mentally and this was in turn affecting my in game performance. However those hours lost on the table were put to good use in various areas of study and overall I did reach 180 hours of Poker for the month.

Here are my results for the month playing on NL50 zoom on stars.

I did play on another site as well to test alternative waters, in the end losing a couple of buyins overall.

October was a difficult month for myself, but looking back now along with it came a huge learning step and boost in myself and my mindset. Also when I actually step back and put things into perspective being breakeven on NL50 sure is a lot nicer than on NL5. I quickly forget just how far I've come. A side note to the results 30k hands for the month across the two sites is really not enough to get close to a true winrate especially when playing zoom. so in actual fact it could be lower or it could be higher. For November I will look to hit at least 50k as I do feel more and more comfortable 2 Tabling and maintaining a goo thought process. On the plus side I managed to reach Platinum status for the first time ever on Pokerstrategy! So lots of new content to sift through ♠_thumbsup:

Goals for November
- 140 hours playtime –> I will hit it this month, even with all the moving and relocating
- 190 hours total Poker time
- Start a ‘Mindset’ journal for every playing day

This final goal is really going to help me level up my mental game by bringing more awareness of my in game emotions and triggers, which in turn will help me focus on maintaining a neutral balanced mind. I really believe that having a firm mindset adds invaluable edge to one’s own game and must not be discredited as a lesser priority in one’s poker development.

Patience is key on this journey

If you are putting in the time studying and always looking to improve as a player, long term success will be inevitable.
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Off the Tables

It has already been a week since I had my operation. The surgery itself went smoothly. The aftermath not so smooth. Lots of pain and lots of medication. 7 days later I am now off all of the meds and can walk around the house with a lot less pain. It’s going to be at least another week before I can walk outside of the house and possibly think of driving. All this time home bound can only mean more GRIND!

I am planning on going to France towards the end of the month to visit and spend time with family. I am not sure how long for yet, but already planning on testing all the French poker sites.

Happy fishing guys

congrats with the new status, happy hunting on NL50.

good stuff! it's always important to not lose track of the big picture

Originally posted by SiKWiThIt
October was a difficult month for myself, but looking back now along with it came a huge learning step and boost in myself and my mindset. Also when I actually step back and put things into perspective being breakeven on NL50 sure is a lot nicer than on NL5. I quickly forget just how far I've come.

Quick Mid-Month Update

It’s been good dedication wise. I have continued to put a lot of hours into playing and studying. Halfway through the month and I am well on the way to achieving my Monthly targets,
Last week was among one of my most productive yet in poker. Here’s a screenshot of the weekly log.

Results wise not so great, around 12 Buyins down after 20k hands. Today was the first time I checked results this month. I must say that not checking has helped my mindset a lot during long sessions as it is easier to just focus on making the correct plays and not getting stressed out by the uncontrollable short term. It still does hurt non the less when you do finally check results to find you’re deep in the red.

Plan for the second half of the month is to keep grinding and keep studying and analysing hands every day. I’m going to try and go through all the material available just to make sure I am playing correctly and haven’t been deviating too much as I feel slight complacency might be creeping in.

Recovering from surgery is going well, although after being in the house for 14 days in a row I feel I was starting to go insane. Now I can walk pain free, I have started going for walks and plan to hopefully start jogging soon just to have some kind of exercise outlet.

That’s all for now. Hope you guys are crushing!

Overdue Update Loading....................................................

I feel I owe everyone including myself an apology.

Quoting my first entry on this blog back in 2018

I am starting this blog partly as a means to track my progress, but also hoping to help motivate others by showing what can be done through a combination of hard work and determination.

My aims with this blog was to be able to prove to myself as well as provide inspiration for others and show that with belief in oneself and the right work ethic nothing can stop you from achieving your goals.

In short I failed at this. With a gap of around 16 months between this post and my previous posts, this just ended up being another blog full of empty words joining a big endless pile of other dusty, lifeless, cobwebbed covered blogs…..

Or has it…

If there is one characteristic that you guys should know about me, it is that I absolutely hate quitting. Call it foolish, call it stubborn. There is just something in me that refuses to quit, even when the odds seemed stacked against me. At times it has felt like borderline delusional faith.

This is what brings me back here.

I kept this blog bookmarked on my browser and for a few months now it’s been nagging me increasingly each day, pushing me to come back and pick it up once again. It has served as a constant reminder to something that I promised to do and am not holding myself accountable to.

And it turns out, I refuse to quit

Hi,

do I understand well that you havent played poker since November 2018? Or have you played it but just didnt share here? It is not clear to me from your last post.

And back to autumn of 2018. Do you think in retrospective that it was a good decision to jump to NL50? From your last post of 2018 it looks like it did not work for you. The game there is simply much different than NL10 and I know that if I did that, I would fail horribly wouldnt it be better to slowly work your way up? NL10-NL16-NL25-NL50?

Good reading overall by the way, keep it up!

Hey Dandiiik,

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and commenting.

Both your questions will be answered shortly. My next post will consist of recapping what's been going on in Poker and life since my last post 15 months ago

So before I start updating this blog again in the present. It is worth quickly recapping all that has happened since my last main poker update 18 months ago in November of 2018. It will be easier to start with discussing what happened in my personal life first as things on the poker side will make more sense after.

Towards the end of November in 2018, I entered what I can describe now as the first period of depression that I had ever experienced in my life.
This state of depression and anxiety was most severe throughout December 2018 and January of 2019. Overall looking back now it feels like it took around 5-6 months to really recover from it to the point where it felt like things were back to “normal”. Normal to me was able to wake up in the morning and not instantly feel my heart beating at 180BPM trying to burst through my chest with anxiety. The ground felt under my feet again so to speak.

I feel ashamed to say that prior to this happening. I actually believed that I was immune to experiencing something like this. We hear so much talk about mental health through the media these days, the silent disease that affects millions and millions of people globally. Yet I truly believed that “it could never happen to me..” Why? Well because mental health problems insinuate that something is not right with your mindset, and I thought to myself I could never get these problems because I won’t allow my mindset to go down that path.

Oh boy how wrong was I. Pretty damn naïve looking back now.

When I try to locate the exact cause of what triggered me into this down period. I find it hard to pinpoint just one factor, instead it feels like it was a number of different factors weighing down on me which eventually broke the donkey’s back.
The main factors seemed to be recovery from the surgery that I had just had and being stuck at home unable to do any physical activity for weeks, relationship issues at the time, being back in the dark and wet UK winter after having spent 8 months in the sun and finally my pile of savings gradually getting smaller and smaller and the knowledge that I will soon need to look for regular work once more in order to not hit Financial Rock Bottom aka £000.00

Mix all these ingredients together and it was a pretty tasty recipe for disaster.

Aw man I really suck at updating this. Gonna work on getting a 2019 and 2020 review and then I promise to make regular monthly updates this year

Bro I only want to say that mental health comes before everything, hope you're doing well now.

I'm doing much better now brother. Thank you! You're 100% right. Mental wellbeing is of utmost importance for a good life.
I have a lot of empathy now for all those around the world negatively affected due to all the Covid restrictions.

End of 2018 and 2019 Recap

I never actually stopped playing poker even during December 2018 which was clearly the peak of my state of depression (this was probably a mistake).

My volume in December 2018 was terrible. When you are on a downswing, many players struggle to continue showing up at their computer to put in another session. It turns out that when you are feeling anxious and depressed just simple tasks such as getting out of bed or leaving your home become Mount Everest’s in themselves.

When I did find the courage to load up some tables. I would find that the state of constant high anxiety that was constantly in me would just shoot up. This led to really short stressful sessions where small and usually negligible variances would send me spinning into doubt and more anxiety. Like I've already mentioned, playing during this time of my life was probably a mistake.

Due to my lack of performance at NL50/NL25 and my terrible volume in December/January. My backer quite rightfully put my staking contract on pause withdrawing all their funds until I could submit a worthy sample to prove that I am ready to be put back on stake.
I was back to using my own bankroll which was around 200 euros at the time.

In all honesty, I was not too upset by this. It was almost somewhat of a relief, as I was certainly feeling the pressure of having jumped from NL5 straight to NL50 and was getting owned. In my find I felt like I had cheated poker (crazy thinking looking back) because I had not proven myself at NL10, NL16 and NL25 like the journey the majority of micro stake to low stake grinders embark on.

This pause in contract to me meant that I would have the chance of slowly rebuilding my confidence and mindset and proving that I was worthy of NL50 by beating NL5-NL25.
This slow journey of rebuilding myself started around March 2019. With my 200euro bankroll. I originally started out by mixing regular tables of NL5 and NL10 to get a gauge of where I was. I quickly realised that regular tables of NL10 were very beatable so opted to just play NL10. Below is my results graph for those NL10 games in 2019.

I ran pretty hot above EV, but my EV adjusted bb/100 was still around 9bb/100.
With my bankroll a lot more comfortable I started taking shots and mixing in NL25 tables around August of 2019.
In between I did play some hands on NL16 zoom, but I was quickly reminded that the extra variance that comes with a lower WR in Zoom games is not fun. The graph of my short experience on NL16 Zoom is below.

I decided to just stick with regular 25NL tables instead.
Around August I also moved into an apartment with my girlfriend in the south of England. I picked up some part-time work in order to pay rent and bills as by now my savings had reached 0 and I had actually started owing some money. Picking up work meant that I was going to have a lot less time for poker than what I was used to, but in return the alleviation of financial worries was definitely a +EV move for the long term sustainability of my poker goals.
Below are my results graph for the NL25 games that I played last year in 2019

This was roughly between September-December 2019. The winrate was terrible at roughly 2-3bb/100. But it was good enough to get me back on stake and begin attacking NL25/NL50 once more in the beginning of 2020.

Overall results across regular 10NL and 25NL for 2019 below

I'll try not to take 2+ years to write up my next post recapping my results and highlights of 2020