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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. - Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” - The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” - We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?" - Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring
The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
