Online Journal [10,000$ Bankroll challenge].

29.09 summary.

time spent working: 4 h
time spent studying: 4 h

Good day.

During writing down priorities in the morning I told myself that I'll act professionally today. That means not pushing number of tables, being present, taking breaks, not playing for rakeback if that means losing quality of decisions and learning during the session.

4 hours. That's all I managed to put in. Even tho I prepared for much longer sessions. I took my naps, done everything to boost my energy, and I still couldn't work longer - at least not in a proper energetic state.

Playing 3-4 normal tables drains me much more than playing 6 fast tables. See, while playing a lot of fast tables I didn't have to think - If I started to "overthink" spots I added more tables and I forced myself to play straight forward, looking for the spots I knew were profitable even if that meant giving up a lot of marginal spots, giving up the actual learning in the process.

Now I think a ton. And it's exhausting.

I'm glad I went through the grinding period. It helped me focus on my mindset/tilt problems more and not that much on the other aspects of my game. Right now I can start to develop strategic parts of my game and work with my intuition more - I'm already making progress putting my gut before my mind, yesterdays 99 were a good example. I had a different spot where I jammed only based on reads/feeling.

I am less afraid to play aggressive In certain spots. Lest's say having 2 overs and a nutfd in the past I would play that rather passively - just calling or x/c oop. I was convinced I am running bad in this kind of spots and If I raise/jam I'll mostly get called by sets. Right now I'm not afraid to raise, re-raise jam against certain opponents and it feels great. I'm getting ton of folds and if I am getting called I am getting there [reprogramming my old belief that ill most likely miss].

I changed how I play AK pre-flop. I would say its not optimal seeing like other play this hand but It works with my postflop skill level and prevents me from calling off and fliping pre. If I am fliping pre with AK it's because I got called not other way around .

I feel different about my business. I am getting confidence in my game and my ability to complete this challenge. I am less afraid to make mistakes and I'm tilting a lot less [still, my mental Is my main focus of studies].

Overall I am very happy with my results and my performance. This has been a very enriching journey so far - I didn't expect this kind of personal development and deep internal work to happen along the way - I see poker much different now, not as a separate external entity but rather as a projection of our internal structure of beliefs. Manifestation of our internal struggle - the more you look inwards and face your weaknesses, the more your results improve, the more you look outwards, point at variance and poker gods as a cause of your struggle the more your stuck or even move backwards.

This is a road for the true warriors - Mental Samurais. That's how I see myself now. I am waking up to train and perfect my skills, so I can fight those demons and protect what's important to me. I am literally forging myself as I go. I am the creator and the creation at the same time.

Poker has forced me to go deep. To look at the aspects of myself that I would rather avoid and ignore. It has forced me to look at myself and admit I am out of control and my habits are destroying my results. I had to admit I felt helpless after loosing a big part of my bankroll in one day - yet another time. It was painful and I was about to quit. Feeling unable to change your own behavior is devastating. Maybe I'll describe what happened to me that day in another entry.

Anyhow, I felt like sharing today. Life is great while your running good

I am considering to start a stream. I think I'll give it a shot due to Run It Once promotion and on top of that it would be a way to record my sessions for later review.

All best,
A♠:

I've had a very bad performance yesterday. I wanted to play for the whole day but there were no tables at my stakes and I was afraid to take a shot at NL20 cuz I am supposed to pay my bills soon.

1 table popped up but more ppl weren't coming. I got bored and detached. I basically burned 5 bui-Ins in spots I wouldn't have taken in proper energetic state. I might have as well went with the shot - I would at least be focused and present.

I forced myself to play because I didn't want to end the day after 2 h of work. Action started so late...

I don't know what is happening to me, the day before I was very motivated and played one of the best days ever in terms of attitude and performance and the next day I am a walking, bored, detached zombie ?

I am displeased with myself. I need to get a grip and not let temporary success blind me and distract me. I am going to fast for at least 3 days now, need to cleanse my body and clear my head.

A♠:

Lack of tables is making it hard to work. I am moving my bankroll to GG poker to try it out. I am still waiting for withdrawal approval. I basically didn't play at all yesterday...

I love Run It Once, my results here were amazing. I would love to be able to put more hours here but the traffic is so unpredictable.

A♠:

I am putting in a lot of hours on new platform.

Imma just keep my head down and grid my bankroll up.

so close to the 3rd place btw...

A♠:

Im having hard playing a lot lately.

Funny enough, I was willing to grind and grind on NL2 with barely any profit to get to the point where I am now - being able to win on NL5/NL10 with proper bankroll to allow a solid grind and I lost my motivation somehow...

I lost myself somewhere along the road as well. I became the person that re-surfaced when I started playing, full of anger, fear and mindset problems. I have managed to work through some of those but somewhere I lost attention and this person took over.

I think I'll take a day off to contemplate.

What do I even want, I can't say anymore...

I've downloaded two new books:
Phillips_Zen_and_the_art_of_poker
Phillips_The_TAO_Of_Poker

I need to fix my diet. There's so many things to manage at the same time I feel overwhelmed and tired. I need to find myself again I want to feel truly myself again otherwise what is all this for...

I don't know what to do next. I don't know anything anymore...

A♠:

Originally posted by AvalonSol
Im having hard playing a lot lately.
...
I need to fix my diet. There's so many things to manage at the same time I feel overwhelmed and tired. I need to find myself again I want to feel truly myself again otherwise what is all this for...
...
I don't know what to do next. I don't know anything anymore...

A♠:

I'm hearing -- "I need a break"
I also recommend "The Mental Game of Poker" by Jared Tendler and Barry Carter.
Start that one after the break though, since it involves exercises based on your poker play.

There is so much diet advice out there, and so many fad diets that it is hard to get sound advice.
If you live in a country where you have access to dieticians at little or not cost, that would be one way to go.

Unless you have negative reactions to some food components, (or strong dislikes ♠_biggrin: ) why not take a balanced approach?
In other words, small amounts of a wide variety of foods.
Don't neglect your fibre!

Cheers,
VS

its been a while since my last entry.

I've been struggling to beat NL10. I've had up and downs there, mostly downs lately. My roll is now 440$ and it peaked at 580$ before NL10.

It is way more profitable for me to keep playing NL5 I guess. I am not mentally prepared to handle variance at NL10 and I am tilting much more.

It is hard to just grind NL5. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to find this determination that has pushed me through all this time.

It seems to be a choice between doing what I kinda-know and make profit or try to beat higher stakes and lose money at this point and it would be fine if I didn't have bills to pay.

Maybe I just need more Buy Ins before shooting tens again. Maybe I have to work with my mindset more.

I'll go back to doing daily entries, even few sentences - It seems to be helping somehow.

Why do I need to play higher ? Is that an ego thing ? Why can't I just stick to what I know for now and build up bankroll before moving up ?

I know I am capable of beating NL10, so why am I keep burning money there ? What's wrong with me ?

I am considering moving my roll to Unibet, but I would lose deposit bonus at GGpoker and that would hurt.

I feel stuck.

440$ its still a nice bankroll considering my past. I should be proud of myself and grateful instead of feeling sorry for myself and being full of regret...

ahh...

A♠:

This can be helpful

Originally posted by kfcsekirata

This can be helpful

This is actually super helpful. Thank you very much!

A♠:

Yesterday was hmmm... decent.

I played quite a lot, different formats and stakes. When I felt like thinking hard and being very present I was playing regular tables at NL10 and when I wanted to chill out a little bit and "just play" I switched to rush&cash NL5.

I have to admit I neglected my mindset work as soon as my tilt related skills improved. Being results oriented is what I intend to work on next.

There is a lot of doubt lately but I decided I want to move up and I want to keep improving even if that means losing money. I know I am capable of beating NL10.

On the other note, my Poker Tracker trial has ended. I was considering Pokeit, does any1 know if it works with GGpoker HH? Hand2Note says it support iPoker but it doesn't work.

Also, I linked my GGacc to Poker Strategy, so I have access to a lot of study materials finally. I have to figure out how much do I want to spend studying, it is something that I struggled in the past with. It seemed that the more I watched videos and study theory the worse my game became. I just couldn't truly understand a lot of what I was learning. I think it will be a bit different this time since I was capable of learning some concepts on my own I think I will be able to take more from those videos now.

p.s. I love Poker Strategy support. Truly amazing.

All best.
A♠:

Originally posted by AvalonSol
On the other note, my Poker Tracker trial has ended. I was considering Pokeit, does any1 know if it works with GGpoker HH?

No idea about Pokeit -- if they have a free trial, give it a shot and let us know.
If it can import hand histories, then there is no reason it wouldn't.

Originally posted by AvalonSol
p.s. I love Poker Strategy support. Truly amazing.

Yeah, it is really good isn't it?

Originally posted by AvalonSol
Yesterday was hmmm... decent.

I played quite a lot, different formats and stakes. When I felt like thinking hard and being very present I was playing regular tables at NL10 and when I wanted to chill out a little bit and "just play" I switched to rush&cash NL5.

I have to admit I neglected my mindset work as soon as my tilt related skills improved. Being results oriented is what I intend to work on next.

There is a lot of doubt lately but I decided I want to move up and I want to keep improving even if that means losing money. I know I am capable of beating NL10.

On the other note, my Poker Tracker trial has ended. I was considering Pokeit, does any1 know if it works with GGpoker HH? Hand2Note says it support iPoker but it doesn't work.

Also, I linked my GGacc to Poker Strategy, so I have access to a lot of study materials finally. I have to figure out how much do I want to spend studying, it is something that I struggled in the past with. It seemed that the more I watched videos and study theory the worse my game became. I just couldn't truly understand a lot of what I was learning. I think it will be a bit different this time since I was capable of learning some concepts on my own I think I will be able to take more from those videos now.

p.s. I love Poker Strategy support. Truly amazing.

All best.
A♠:

Maybe you should just buy hm and use it. I used 4 differents trackers before i paid it, but it was a good idea

I have moved my bankroll to Unibet despite losing the bonus and very profitable leaderboards at GGpoker. I can't explain it but it came back time after time. I am not 100% sure that it was a right decision, the left part of the brain would say it wasn't but what the hell, I can always move back.

Maybe I'll describe what has happened during the last few days in another post.

I hope this change will help me go back to being present while playing and putting focus on quality over quantity. Leaderboards may be profitable, but focusing on volume so much just kills the joy of the game for me and it took me a while to realize that.

A♠:

Originally posted by AvalonSol
I hope this change will help me go back to being present while playing and putting focus on quality over quantity. Leaderboards may be profitable, but focusing on volume so much just kills the joy of the game for me and it took me a while to realize that.

It becomes a job when you focus too much on quantity.
I don't do leaderboards. The main reason for me is that I'm pretty sure I'm competing against teams -- but that is just my feeling, I have no real evidence.

Best of luck at Unibet!
VS;

BOOM! My first ever 1st place in a tournament turning 2€ into 64€.

A♠:

Slowly building up my bonus 8€ cash ticket.

I have to say I enjoy Unibet. Game plays much different than on other sites - quick and quite crazy - ppl are willing to gamble and call off big bets with all kind of hands.

A♠:

Still following, but no update for a week. How is Unibet going ?

Originally posted by Tigsly
Still following, but no update for a week. How is Unibet going ?

I couldn't get used to soft there. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

Lack of displaying BBs instead of euros. No auto-rebuy options and for some reason I found it hard to play 4 tables there, so It was either 1 or 2 at a time = lack of volume.

I started losing every single day. On every site, every limit and every format. I couldn't make it work. It felt overwhelming. After a couple days of getting destroyed I had to take a break

I feel better now but not so long ago [this morning included] I felt completely depressed and I didn't see the point of doing anything.

I have to admit I don't know when things started to fall apart, I just can't seem to pinpoint it, but I started to slack off and neglected my routines. It lead to poor performance and lack of motivation. It is actually quite interesting, maybe I'll try to describe it all later.

I would love to say that everything is going great but unfortunately I am just not doing very well at the moment. I have paid the bills so at least I got that covered for now.

I am considering getting back to Party Poker and see how are things there. I am looking for a format that will "click" for me, that will make me feel good about playing again.

A♠:

Originally posted by AvalonSol

I couldn't get used to soft there. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

Lack of displaying BBs instead of euros. No auto-rebuy options and for some reason I found it hard to play 4 tables there, so It was either 1 or 2 at a time = lack of volume.

I display in $ in cash games, BB in tournaments -- just works better for me.
You might try playing w/o auto-rebuy in cash games.
I started doing that when I kept reading things like "He doesn't have a full stack, so he's a fish".
So I just top up manually when (or if) I get below 75BB

But having to manage unfamiliar software at your normal volume is for sure hard.
Maybe drop down to two tables until you're totally familiar.

All the best,
VS

I've played couple hands on Party Poker @ NL10, fast tables [2tabling], just to get the feel for it.

Nothing crazy happened, no all-ins, I wasn't scared, it was quite enjoyable - but I was tired, so I went to bed, read some more before going to sleep.

Today I was legit scared to play. I don't know what it is but if I am up I am scared of losing this money. I know how silly it is and how mentally weak I have to seem to you but it is what it is...

I got crushed by the variance day after day and that lead to questioning everything that I do. I don't know if I am actually able to beat those games or was I just lucky before ? I would like to think that it was not the case but honestly, every time I tried to play @ NL10 it went bad rly fast, leading to tilt and big dent in the roll. Later I started to bleed even @ NL5 and NL2 and my confidence went crushing down into oblivion...

Right now I am moving my roll of 317$ to Poker Stars since I received an e-mail with a quite amazing promotion of 40% rake back. 40$ for every 100$ of rake up to 3 times - I have till 24.11 to rake that, so that shouldn't be a problem.

I have to admit I don't know what to expect. I haven't play on stars for at least a couple years, maybe 3 or more ? I have no idea how it is going to go.

Ideally I will release all 120$ they offer with nice profit on top of that giving me solid bankroll to play NL10 most likely on Party Poker since they offer the best experience @ those stakes @ fast tables in my opinion with the best rake back offer.

I am getting back to my workout + cold shower routine + at least solid 5-6 hour of playing daily.

Wish me luck.

A♠: