Hahaha nice one again ! Thanks metza!
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21 April
Weekly Wind-Up: Howard's Return, Schemion's Secret
Find out why Lederer is coming back to the WSOP and how Schemion is winning all the cash.
Howard's Frustrating Dilemma
"Why has Howie got it so tough?"Howard Lederer, known affectionately in the poker community as "Howie", is rumoured to
make a return to live poker at the next WSOP.Howie was considering returning to poker last year, however he felt that the majority of the
players were "simply too mean". He described the stereotypical "chip-on-their-shoulder-
but-none-in-their-bankroll" whiners, and how these whiners would have totally ruined the
experience for him, making it almost impossible to play his A-game.Howie expressed great surprise that people still remembered Black Friday after such a long
time, especially when "the tiny amounts they are complaining about are insignificant
compared to what we stole overall, and they're getting the money back anyway." When
asked to speculate on why people were overreacting so badly and being so hostile to him
and his best bud Chris, Howie assured us he did not know.Howie was especially shocked that Chris was facing scorn. "The man is upstanding. His
christ-like moral standards earned him the nickname 'Jesus'. His Brokeback-Mountain
themed attire is effortlessly classy. The man can chop fruit with cards, can you do that? No?
Then stop hating."He concluded the interview by pointing out that he was no different than other poker players
who had done bad things and been forgiven. "Russ Hamilton had superusers looting his site.
Justin Bonomo was caught multiaccounting. Dan Cates called Scott Seiver a 'f***ing idiot'
and didn't say sorry. Just the other week, I saw Patrik Antonius leave a match without saying
'gg'. All those guys have been forgiven. Why has Howie got it so tough?"Howard finished the interview by stating that to avoid harassment, he may sign up with a
fake name and face, stating that he got the idea after watching Nicolas Cage's Face
Off, which he assured us "is a fantastic film"Schemion's Secret To Success
Ace up his sleeve?After winning the latest EPT High Roller at San Remo, we figured there was something
special Ole Schemion was doing to secure so many wins. We thought it would be something
strategy based, but instead found it was far simpler than that.Ole credited his recent success due to a clothing innovation known as a sleeveless hoody,
which allowed him to "move [his] arms like never before"While poker players have long since known that wearing a hoody increases EV and general
ballerness, they have needlessly suffered the inhibition of sleeves. The poor fellows simply
didn't know any better. Ole thought it was "absurd that people would put up with the sort of
arm restriction that sleeves cause, just to get the facial coverage that a hood can provide.
You'd be better off wearing a balaclava and a singlet than a full sleeve hoody."We are expecting this news to cause a huge surge in the already high levels of sleeveless
hoodies being sold in Europe, so that many more people can enjoy the positive aspects of
neither hoodies nor singlets.
An astounding tale of deception and betrayal occurred at table Alderon today.
Minstrel391 moved all in on the river and quickly wrote in the chatbox "bluff".
The board had run out A :spade:T :club:4 :heart:Q :diamond:3 :heart:. SpecialCandy4 saw this message, and
promptly made the call with 8 :heart:3 :diamond:. In a shocking twist of fate, Minstrel391 turned
over A :club:T :diamond:, for two pair.SpecialCandy4 was appalled by this deceitful trickery and quickly left the table. If
that were me, I don't know if I could trust a chatbox message ever again. As for
Minstrel391, how do guys like you sleep at night? Disgusting.
Question of the Day
Would you go gay for Patrik Antonius?
♦
This thread should be put in sticky. Real funny 
Still waiting for the poker video you are working on. I can guarantee 100% of us will watch it....and love it 
Originally posted by metza
You'd be better off wearing a balaclava and a singlet than a full sleeve hoody."
Get ready -- it's coming...
Brilliant again, metza!
--VS
28 April
Weekly Wind-Up: A New Kind of EV, The End of Tanking?
Phil Hellmuth discusses a new kind of EV in relation to Vicky Coren's second EPT win.
Female Wins Second EPT Title???
Winning without male genitalia is far more impressive, notes poker news community.Numerous poker news websites have announced their surprise that the first
person to win two EPTs is a woman (Vicky Coren). We too are similarly surprised
that Vicky was able to overcome such tough fields twice without the significant
strategic benefit that possessing a penis and testicles provides at the tables.Phil Hellmuth, an old time tournament shark who is still relevant in today's
games, explained to us his concept of "Scrotum EV" to which he has attributed
much of his continued success. "Honey, its just common knowledge that bluffing
takes balls. The ability to bluff well directly corresponds with the size of the
balls." In order to back up his statement Phil Hellmuth sent us a Snapchat image
which cannot legally be displayed in this article."You would think that in poker, XX as pocket paired chromosomes would be
better, but its more like a deuces vs ace king type scenario. When push comes to
shove, what would you rather have? I know what I'd pick." says Hellmuth.Phil then began to wonder what Coren could achieve at the tables if she was
secretly packing meat and two veg. "To be honest, I wouldn't rule it out as a
possibility already. I mean has anyone really checked to make sure?" He asked.When asked why he himself had not won a legitimate EPT title, Hellmuth
mumbled something about the Brat Burger coming out soon.Shot Clock Opinions
30 Seconds or LessWPT plans to introduce a shot clock that allows players to take just 30 seconds
on a single decision. Unlike PokerStars timebank, these 30 seconds cannot be
added up and saved. This means that WPT is effectively killing the time-old
tradition of going into the tank.For those who don't know, tanking is a process where people spend absurd
amounts of time on a single decision. It is generally used to give the impression
of high-level hand analysis occurring, when really the only thought going through
the person's head is "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck". It can also be used to tilt the
opponent, or to stall ones way into the money.Some people are thought to be tanking but have just forgotten that they are still
in the hand. These people are not considered true tankers.Yevgeniy Timoshenko: "Tanking rhymes with another word, and I spend
far too much time doing both. For the WPT to take both of those joys away from
me while at the tables is just wrong."Daniel Negreanu: "Tanking has long since been a tradition at live games.
You take away tanking, you also take away hero calls, you take away slowrolls,
basically everything that makes poker good is gone"Doyle Brunson: "To me, a shot clock is a lot like meth. I tried it, I kinda
liked it but after a while everything was just way too fast and overwhelming."
It was a slow day at the 0.01/0.02 tables today. People simply didn't have the
heart that they usually have. Nobody seemed brave enough to try the "all in
every hand" method, which has questionable profitability, but always seems to
result in significant action.There was, however, a brief incidence of collusion. Two grinders from Greece
attempted to softplay against each other at an NL2 table. However, in attempting
to do so they lost $30.65 between them to the rest of the table and were
subsequently banned from PokerStars.
Question of the Day
Is collusion cheating if you're still losing anyway?
Cheers for the kind words.
The two Greek NL2 players colluding so badly that they lost is a true story btw, happened at my table ages ago :f_biggrin:.
Originally posted by metza
Cheers for the kind words.The two Greek NL2 players colluding so badly that they lost is a true story btw, happened at my table ages ago :f_biggrin:.
please do tell more ♦
Originally posted by Tomaloc
Originally posted by metza
Cheers for the kind words.The two Greek NL2 players colluding so badly that they lost is a true story btw, happened at my table ages ago :f_biggrin:.
please do tell more ♦
It was quite a while ago so I don't remember the exact method used lol, but they were sitting next to each other at a non-zoom 6max nl2 table and were just making sure they were in a pot with each other all the time, eg. if one person flatted a 3bet the other would call too etc probably thinking they were doubling their chance to win money lol. I checked them in search (which of course they hadn't thought to turn off while colluding) and they were sitting the same way at another table.
I thought about reporting it to Stars, but decided they were mostly being unfair to themselves, and let it continue. I imagine they got caught out not long afterwards anyway.
5 May
Weekly Wind-Up: Affleck Card Counting, Hellmuth Panicking
"The House Always Wins" Says Affleck, But Does He Believe It?
Daredevil Counting Cards
Affleck proves himself a daredevil off-camera too.Rumour has it that Ben Affleck has been given a lifetime ban from Hard Rock
Cafe Casino blackjack tables for counting cards.Ben Affleck has been interested in gambling - especially poker - for a long time,
which means that this story is relevant on a poker news site and is not trashy
celebrity drivel that nobody cares about, despite initially appearing that way.Affleck's interest in gambling began while watching his best bud Matt Damon win
thousands of dollars in the poker hit Rounders. "Matt's acting was so realistic that
for weeks I didn't realize that he hadn't actually won all that money playing
poker, it was just fiction. So that got me really excited." Ben soon found success,
winning $356k in a live MTT. This single MTT win is undoubtedly evidence of
Affleck's prowess at the tables.Why then, would Ben turn to more illicit methods of winning money at casinos?
Several reliable sources state that he was inspired by Phil Ivey's recent casino
exploits. We spoke to Ben for an even deeper insight, and he revealed the
following: "I really wanted to beat Matt, to make an even better poker movie.
With Runner Runner, I smashed it out of the park, and so I feel like that's the
time to move away from poker, head out on a high. So that just left other forms
of gambling. I got an idea when I saw this movie called 21..."Affleck's questionable actions have caused concern by the general public as to
whether he is morally fit to play Batman, the upholder of justice.However, Hard Rock Cafe issued the following statement; "Ben Affleck is a
valued customer and above all a talented actor. After discovering that he was
literally trying to count the cards in ascending order from 1 to 52, which provided
him with no strategic benefit, we are delighted to lift this ban and allow him back
at the blackjack tables."Hellmuth Needs To Slow Down
What the Hellmuth?Phil Hellmuth has suffered a breakdown during a charity poker tournament. Phil
attributed the breakdown to "food poisoning" and "excessive pimpitude" as well
as the impending WSOP, where everyone expects great things of Phil. The charity
tournament was meant to raise money and awareness for some bullshit
underprivileged (and probably lazy) children, but in an unfortunate turn of fate,
the event quickly became about Hellmuth.Many questioned whether Hellmuth was actually suffering from food poisoning as
his behavior did not seem to match his alleged condition. Hellmuth was found
rolling around the "cold floor" of the venue's kitchen, shouting at the staff to
"make the goblins go away" before hiding in the cold storage while repeatedly
asking if he was "in Narnia yet?"In any case, Phil luckily overcame his condition and was able to MC, allowing the
field to hear his voice for the next 3 hours straight. Hellmuth's philanthropic ways
never fail to impress.Question of the Day
What is the most you'd pay for a signed copy of Gigli?
Originally posted by Lazza61
What happened to NL2 corner.
Quite busy atm, will add it in later if I have time.
Originally posted by metza
Originally posted by Lazza61
What happened to NL2 corner.Quite busy atm, will add it in later if I have time.
Awesome. And another superb job.
I've had Hellmuth's poisoning before and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the food.
Originally posted by metza
Originally posted by Lazza61
What happened to NL2 corner.Quite busy atm, will add it in later if I have time.
The action has moved to PLO2, rail there.
Was busy last week, and didn't see the update, now I got 2 at once now that was fun
Thanks metza!
Originally posted by metza
However, Hard Rock Cafe issued the following statement; "Ben Affleck is a
valued customer and above all a talented actor. After discovering that he was
literally trying to count the cards in ascending order from 1 to 52, which provided
him with no strategic benefit, we are delighted to lift this ban and allow him back
at the blackjack tables."
