Yeah I did talk to a psykoligist about it, but it's just something that takes a lot of time. The whole situation is so surreal and it destroys the illusion that you have control over your life situation.
So beside the grief and pain this has brought me it also affected me much deeper.
I dont think I'll ever get over this really but Im slowly starting to beleive that I can move forward and have a different life than I expected before this.
I'll send you a pm with my skype
Originally posted by FFRRAANNKKIIEE
Hi Avataren,As this is English community, could you keep discussions in English so we all understand
Hope you understand,Thanks,
Fran
sure
http://i.imgur.com/MvKWM6x.png
I've been quite busy so far this week. Had family stuff on wed, yesterday and today I helped my parents out fixing their house. So haven't been playing a whole lot but when I have the results have been pretty good.
So far this month im a lot behind in terms of volume, but the results are good over all. Running 5 BI bellow EV but thats nothing compared to last month 
Aiming for a 6-8k hands tm to cacth up a bit, dont think I will have time to play sunday at all.
For next week im planning a hangover for monday and then starting grinding a lot tue-fri.
Had nothing to do today except playing poker, I've been feeling down all day and was very distracted while playing. Had one session where I felt like I played decent but played poorly the rest of the time. Cut a bit off my volume target because of that, only 5.5k hands.
I think the reason for all of this is that i've been busy all day for the last 3 days and will be again tm, so I supressed my emotions to be able to work and be social, its exhausting and at some point they always come back and bite you. Nothing I can really do about that, but looking forward to next week where I can just sit at home all day focusing on poker and studies, only have classes tuesday and thursday morning.
Played quite a lot today, 7k hands, if I can do that for the next few days as well I should have no problem reacing my goal.
Played decent, probably relied a bit too much on people folding so spewed a bit but ran great when AI so no harm to the BR
The month so far
I've come to realize that there is a thing called survivors guilt in psycology, witch makes it a lot easier for me to explain what I felt the months after I lost my girlfriend.
It was not something I would talk to anyone about but for months I wished and believed it should have been me and not her/them in that car.
Originally posted by Damlqv
Played quite a lot today, 7k hands, if I can do that for the next few days as well I should have no problem reacing my goal.
Played decent, probably relied a bit too much on people folding so spewed a bit but ran great when AI so no harm to the BR
The month so far
I've come to realize that there is a thing called survivors guilt in psycology, witch makes it a lot easier for me to explain what I felt the months after I lost my girlfriend.
It was not something I would talk to anyone about but for months I wished and believed it should have been me and not her/them in that car.
That is quite normal survivors guilt , especially with someone you love.. I would feel the same if I lost my wife and kids. I would die to get them to live again. Its normal and I don't think its something to be "cured" You will get over it or rather come to terms with that it was meant to be her not your time to say goodbye to this life as unfair as it may be.
It's just something that happened and sadly we can't do anything about it. Move on I'm sure she wouldn't want to see you like this down in a hole. I'm sure she'd want to see you happy again. (not just like happy for a month shitty for a month etc) you get what I mean.
nice poker month. I wish I could do that kind of volume. 7k I would die if i had to play that much in one day. omg.
http://i.imgur.com/MvKWM6x.png
^ very nice post Avataren, cant agree more; I hope you'll have strenght to keep your head up and move on. It's easy to say it I know, but no other choices out there unfortunatelly.
Nice work ethics pokerwised btw, keep it up!
Best of luck sir,
Fran
Great blog. Very moving. It goes to show that there is so much more to life than just poker. I hope you will be back to crushing life as well as poker very soon.
Thanks guys! Motivation is picking up now I can see the end is near. Just gonna pretend like yesterday didnt happen since I lost almost all my winnings. I ran horrible and lost way more than I should have not being able to fold when they kept hitting their two outers OTR.
Today was way better, ran great and results are looking good again. Decided to drop one table so only playing 3 tables of zoom now. It was my intention to play 4 all the way through NL10 and cut down when I got to NL25, but I feel like I play a lot better with only 3 so will do that from now on.
I have around 38-40h of play left to hit the 100k, so will have to play the last couple of days. will play 2h tm I think but dont have time for more, meeting up with some friends in the afternoon to drink some beer, should be fun.
@Frankie I saw your graph for NL25, amazing results, how do you manage to have both red and blue line >0?
Saw that they had HU LHM Zoom tables as well so played a little bit on the 25c/50c tables. rake is pretty high, but its possible to beat. I really like HULHM, if I should play LHM again I would play HU. Tried it a bit before on Ongame, but the rake was way too high to be beatable. Maybe we can play a few HUsngs when im done with this challenge Avataren?
Originally posted by Damlqv
Thanks guys! Motivation is picking up now I can see the end is near. Just gonna pretend like yesterday didnt happen since I lost almost all my winnings. I ran horrible and lost way more than I should have not being able to fold when they kept hitting their two outers OTR.Today was way better, ran great and results are looking good again. Decided to drop one table so only playing 3 tables of zoom now. It was my intention to play 4 all the way through NL10 and cut down when I got to NL25, but I feel like I play a lot better with only 3 so will do that from now on.
I have around 38-40h of play left to hit the 100k, so will have to play the last couple of days. will play 2h tm I think but dont have time for more, meeting up with some friends in the afternoon to drink some beer, should be fun.
@Frankie I saw your graph for NL25, amazing results, how do you manage to have both red and blue line >0?
Saw that they had HU LHM Zoom tables as well so played a little bit on the 25c/50c tables. rake is pretty high, but its possible to beat. I really like HULHM, if I should play LHM again I would play HU. Tried it a bit before on Ongame, but the rake was way too high to be beatable. Maybe we can play a few HUsngs when im done with this challenge Avataren?
sure im up for it. But we could also do some play money hu through the homegames. its basically the same, stars takes rake from playmoney aswell 
But I don't care im up for it. though I won't be playing higher than 1.5s (I got 25% ROI there) and the roll won't allow me yet to move up.
http://i.imgur.com/MvKWM6x.png
Originally posted by Damlqv
... with 88 vs TT. Probably not the best idea to shove on him for 16bb ....
Im not pretty sure wht you mean with that as 88 with 16bb is almost a shove often; obv, here we do not have other infos that maybe make the situation different as stacks, stats and more but in general, 88 is an hand that I will be more then happy to shove but please do not take it too serious as if Im far away to be in a position to give advice/suggestions ...
but, I have take the chance to post on your thread primarily because I have been touched from your story and the way you deal with it; your courage and determination are outstanding ...
With your attitude and reaction to life you made me feel such a pxxxy when come to complain all the time about life and the unfriendly and hostile situations that time to time life present to us to solve
What to say also then, well done for everything you have done so far in response to the adversity of life and thank you for open my eyes and teach me today as a man behavior and act
Take care and keep going sir do not let anything put you down, your story and determination are examples to follow and it has helped someone else today to grow up a bit more ...
Thank you!
@Frankie I saw your graph for NL25, amazing results, how do you manage to have both red and blue line >0?
Thanks,
Well actually it seems that in long term my red line will be more of a b/e, we'll se how it develops I'm still finding an optimal aggression frequency to boost my green line (which obv is the only one which matters for real :))
Thanks for the post Kiroman, means a lot. For the 88 hand I didnt have a lot of hands on him but he had either been card dead for the time we were on the same table or was very tight and opened from an early possition. decided to go with it but feel like I could've found a better spot since people played quite poorly.
Avataren, yeah play money is fine, dont want to play for a lot of money against you ♦ but figured we could both learn from it and have fun at the same time.
Played 4h today, think I played pretty well but the first two sessions everything just went against me. Ended up in green thought thanks to a big winning session in the end so all good
Since this blog is part of an attempt to get back to as normal life as I can have from now on I should also share some more cheerful stuff. I used to consider myself quite lucky, I've had some great experiences in my life, I worked in Austria and Australia after high school as a ski instructor for 3 seasons in total. I was studying in mexico for a semester and even though it ended horribly some of my best memories are from there. Last year I traveled in south america visiting some friends and saw a lot of amazing places. This summer im planning 3 months travel from Panama up to Mexico, so there is something to look forward to
A week ago I though I would make it to 100k hands but i've been feeling really down since that. I had a hard time puttting in decent quality play and since the results suffered a bit I also droped in volume.
The month in total
107 hands of FLHU the rest is NL 6max.
Results are pretty far from what I had hoped for. I cant really blame it on luck, ran bad for a while but especially in the end I should've played a lot better than I did and made up for what I lost earlier on.
When my girlfriend was in the accident I was in the airport. I texted her that I had some problems with my visa and she wished me good luck with fixing it and that she was on her way to Mexico City with her family.
When the plane took off and I was standing there with my bag feeling pretty stupid I texted her that I was still in mexico and had to solve it an other way.
My friend came and picked me up 45min later and I hadn't got an aswer from her yet. I was feeling on edge and thought it was because I missed my plane back home but I kept checking my phone.
We got back to my appartment with lunch and at this point I felt panic, I tried to hold it together, after all it was just a plane I missed.
When I finaly found my laptop to send an email to my parents about the delay I saw a message from a friend of my girlfriend. "Where are you? please answer asap!"
Not long after I send the mail to my parents the guy texted me back and told me about the accident. After this point my memories are a bit blurry at best.
Before this I dont think I've ever felt real panic, maybe a few minutes when something went wrong before I had a chance to think about what to do.
I blamed it on missing the plane, the thought of anything like this never crossed me for the 2-2.5h I was waiting for a reply. Maybe in the end it did when I saw the message from her friend, I dont really remember.
That was all for the easter challenge from me, I will keep posting a bit and probably play some turnaments to mix it up.
But my main challenge the next 1½ months are 3 exams, will have to study a lot in may especially.
I have been kinda busy studying for my exam the first week of may, it's going pretty well and I feel confident in that exam now.
I have not been playin much poker but got a message today that I won a free coaching from the easter grind
I never had coaching before, he's probably gonna tell me I make a ton of basic mistakes but really looking forward to learn like this. Hope that can teach me to play better and get better results in the future.
A few days ago I booked my summer trip, frying to Panama on june 25th and flying back home from Cancun in Mexico on september 27th.
Im really hangover, have been out drinking two days in a row after my first exam. The exam went decent, not all to happy with my performance but overall I think I did the best I could in all of this and im happy about it.
Next exam in on May 26th in statistics, will start studying tomorrow, dont have the moral to study hangover ♦
Played very little poker so far this month but results have been quite decent. I might go for some turnaments tomorrow depending on how much I feel like studying.
2nd exam was this monday, it was quite hard but did my best and im happy about my performance. At least this time I feel like I did what I could even though I should have studied some more
Have been playing a little bit of poker in between studying, results have been pretty good and I feel like I've played well for the most part.
Im planning to play a lot more the last few days of may so I can keep gold star on stars.
