I hate it when women turn the light off before having sex.
It makes it awfully difficult for me to see them through my window 
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Safety meeting at the office
They asked me "what steps would you take in event of a fire?"
"F*cking big ones" was apparently not the right answer.
Q: Why is Donald Trump like a pumpkin?
A: Orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and tossed out in early November
Originally posted by VorpalF2F
Q: Why is Donald Trump like a pumpkin?A: Orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and tossed out in early November
I scared the postman today by going to the door naked
I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived
I love this time of year when the nights are drawing in, there is a chill in the air and the whole family gathers around a roaring Galaxy Note 7
My wife says that she wants a man who's funny and spontaneous, but when I tap the window late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming
what is the difference between Jesus and picuter Jesus ?
Picture of Jesus needs only one nail to hang.
My girlfriend just sent me a message saying:
“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
What does ‘ternative’ mean? 
Just bought a low energy light bulb
Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
I said "No its going in the lounge"
Spoiler
