Woah... it's been a while...
Hey everyone! I got some questions recently from different people, thanks guys for your support. It's been 2.5 years since the last post, and I'd like to share some thoughts and give an update for those who's interested.
Not going back to poker though, not yet at least... So sorry for kind of an off-top.
So... as mentioned above, April 3rd 2016, I hit the rock bottom, that was by far the worst day of my life, I was on the road and was hoping something would just happen to me, so I won't reach Hamburg. But eventually I did and nothing happened. By the end of the trip I was completely devastated, I don't really remember how did I manage it, like 10 hours drive in a fog not seeing anything in front of me. I moved into a small room that I got via AirBnB and didn't sleep much that night, although I had to wake up early next day to get to my new job.
First months were actually like a dream... well, more like a nightmare. I have no clue how did I survive that as well. Out of the body experience. It felt like I already died and was floating above my body, just observing what had happened with it, with no empathy nor interest. I saw it moving around from flat to flat for a month, looking for a permanent apartment. Staring at the computer screen, not realising what's in there. Crawling back to bed every night after work, completely exhausted, just to crawl back in the morning after a sleepless night, with the eyes cried out dry. Trying to keep the head down and wrap it around the new things happening around. It would've been funny, I guess, if it wouldn't be so pathetic and pointless. There was never a day when I would not rather not to wake up. All I wanted is to be dead, stop existing. I couldn't kill myself though, I've caused so much pain to my son already. I couldn't just do this to him... That's quite interesting actually. I felt I crossed all lines already, but couldn't cross that last one... I would just fall asleep with my son's face in front of my eyes and wake up, with the same precious face, but a bit further away... I did not know what to do...
So April went by, I finally got my first couple of days of vacation to rush back and hold my son again. I can't really tell how it felt, it was a relief but then it was pain, worse than ever. Couple of days flew by and it was time to say goodbye... again... For several first visits I felt really sick, leaving my son again, I would hurry up to the train station, just to throw up in the toilet... I just couldn't see him crying every time... because of what I did to him. I fucked it up, that's all I could think of.
During that first visit my then-wife got some papers prepared for a divorce. I had no strength nor desire to argue, just silently signed all the papers. I couldn't recognise the girl I once loved anymore, she turned into a complete stranger. It was still a puzzle and made no sense to me, why? What happened? So suddenly? And it took several more months before I finally learned the truth and the last piece of the puzzle fell into place. To be honest, I felt some kind of relief - it wasn't me who just went crazy and couldn't come up with the reasonable explanation, after all. It was her lies and pushing through, to get rid of me as quickly as possible. A lot of stuff made sense, but for the first months - it wasn't clear at all. We were officially divorced June 2nd, just couple of days short of two months after my departure. No second chance, no attempts to recover or to rebuild anything. Just a clear cut...
And I went back to my new "life". After couple of months at work, I knew I was not doing good. In fact, it was my probation time, after 6 months my performance would've been evaluated and the company would have to make a decision whether to keep me or not, and I realised that my chances were actually pretty slim. I remember looking at the mirror one day and talking to myself. I asked myself - OK, what is the fucking plan here? I got really lucky to get this job, this new chance, and what is going to happen if I screw this up? If I want any future for me and my son - I had to do something. And that was basically when the real fight begun. Alone in a completely alien huge city, no friends, no family, no hope, no connection to reality - I had to somehow get out of that hole I got myself into.
So I guess I should talk about my job for a while. When I started I was assigned to one of the teams of rather big international webshop project, biggest in the company. I dove into the Java programming, test driven development, tons of new concepts flying around me, words I've never heard of... Well, "dove" would be nice... It was more like I was sunk... Docker, Kubernetes, Jenkins, Gerrit, functional programming, backends, frontends, deployment pipeline, all just went down on my head. I gotta say, in a hindsight, that's what really saved my life back then. The people around me were really nice, helpful, always there for me. They probably didn't know what is going on in my head, they didn't ask, for the most part, and I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems. But they did help me a lot, and I am grateful to them, after all I felt there is still kindness and hope in this crazy world.
So I begun learning from scratch, slowly and painfully. I was not too happy with Java, the language didn't feel right for me, although I just went through it because I had to. I knew I would probably never be "happy" using it, but that was the least of my problems. I had to get the grip of it. Then I was doing some programming for the front end and learned (again) some JavaScript and React, which was also interesting and challenging. But just before my probation period was over, I was assigned to a new smaller team that did prices calculation for the webshop and used the Go language. So I shrugged and picked up yet another book to learn yet another language.
Little did I know that this would be a huge moment for me. Go just spoke back to me. I fell in love with the language from the first line of code. I felt excitement and dove into it, like I did not in a while. It's a beautiful language and I felt really comfortable with it, using it all the time, practising at home of my spare time too. At the same time I got the big news - I successfully passed the probation period and got the permanent position. It was exactly 2 years ago, October 2016, and I went for another vacation to see my son on his birthday. It was as painful as ever, but this time there was some pale light in end end of the tunnel. I felt like those months of hard work and dedication finally paid off, and I got some hope and could look into the future again.
Year 2017 was already a step up. Our team grew and scope of our project did too. Unfortunately I was still busy with my issues to the degree, that I did not pay too much attention to the team dynamics, although I was second senior guy in the group. I should've done it, but to be honest - it was hard to give a fuck too much, I was too concerned with my problems. That was my mistake and it did fire back. By the end of the year the relationships in the team was ruined completely and half of the team actually left the company. We did do a good job, in general, the project was moving forward, but it was not the most likeable place to work. I had to take more responsibility and take care of others, not just staying shut in my shell.
So in the beginning of 2018 the team was back to 3-4 members and I was promoted to the second team lead - so we have the main "captain" and me. At first I was more like an assistant to cover him up, nowadays it's more like a pair leadership, we work good together as a pair, helping each other out with different strengths and weaknesses. Recently we got a 5th member, and although we have some traction in the team, due to some selfish and ego-driven behaviour sometimes, but in general it is a way more healthy team, and I'm trying to do my job to keep it that way.
Technically, I am also doing a good job (according to the feedback I get, at least), getting some ideas and concepts around, based on which we're doing some re-work of the old price engine, and also being efficient and productive, able to focus and just get the things done. Maybe years of intense poker sessions helped? Who knows... But I feel like I am being appreciated and finally I can say that I can pay back to the company that helped me out when I had some hard times. At the same time company grew, we got around 110 employees now (was around 50 when I joined), our project is deployed in half a dozen countries such as Germany, France, China, Spain, etc. We're still hiring and now opening a new office in Lisbon. So I would say I got into the right place and could've not asked for more.
I don't have much free time though, mostly because I don't want it. I am still scared to stay alone with my thoughts. I filled the free time with all kinds of stuff. I was playing a lot of classical guitar at first (check this out, for example), then switched to electric again (for something like this or sometimes this), with my passion sparked again. There are lots of ideas, we have some great musicians in the office, we're playing and jamming every Monday after work basically. Currently I'm studying and practising more than ever, hoping to be able to record an album at some point, rather soon than later.
Reading a lot of books, on programming mostly, but also some biographical stuff - gets me inspired more often than not. Played a bit of Go too. We got some great 5-6 dan players in the office, but I just can't spend enough time on it. But in May this year one of the greatest Go players in the history of Go visited our office - Lee Chang Ho. That was absolutely incredible, exciting and humbling experience, I dunno, like Doyle Brunson or maybe Phil Galfond (who's the most respected guy these days?) would visit you and sit down to play with you - imagine that! I still can't believe I've played a game with the great master.
I do play a lot of video games too, especially sim-racing. Got myself PS4 pro, big screen TV, Logitech G29 racing wheel, nice chair - and driving a lot, mostly F1. Watching F1 too, all I can get. My son is 10 years old now, he's getting into video games too, and whenever he's around - we play games like NHL or Diablo 3 together, and he's racing too, so it's a lot of fun.
I did some intensive 5 months German courses as well, and understand most of the things I hear. Unfortunately, I am still not very good at speaking. Most of the discussions at work are in English, because the project is international, so there is little chance for me to practice it. And I don't have friends outside the work.
At last but not least - I am doing spots too. Used to play basketball, but since I've hurt my foot - decided to keep it safe. Watching my food, going to gym 2-3 times a week and trying to do sports every single day, one way or another. I lost around 4-5 kg, and my health is getting better too. After 4 years fighting with diabetes, I am now reduced the medicine intake to the minimum and might get rid of it completely in couple of years, if I lose a bit more weight and keep a healthy rations.
And poker! I did play casually in a casino nearby and a bit online. I dunno, probably lost around 200$ as a complete fish, but it was indeed more like fun than the old competitive poker playing. But I got a group of interested colleagues at work, we are playing every Thursday after work, 4-7 players, having fun with PLO and 7-card stud too, not just Holdem, and looking forward to try some more games.
Well, that's about it. Couple of words about the future... Earlier this year I finally got to talk to my ex-wife about it. When I left couple of years ago, I was not in a good position for any negotiations. But now I'm back on my feet, better than ever. So I brought it up - and we came up with an agreement. For the first 5 years our son stays with her, then he moves in with me. So it's around 2-3 years left and then I can get him back. And that's the best news, basically all I need and want. I still got time to prepare, either get a bigger apartment here in Hamburg, or maybe even move to Portugal, that's also an option. Who knows, there might be other options. So the future is getting brighter and I am trying to look for positive sides as much as I can.
Sometimes it is still really tough. Just today I am back from another short trip. Well, it's short stay, just for 3 days, but still annoyingly long duration - half a day in the train. But yesterday was my son's 10th birthday, and nothing in this world can ever stop me to leave everything behind and be there for him that day. I picked him up early, right after school, we went to get a nice steak, chocolate cake, played some snooker, then bowling, had an ice-cream, got some more presents, went back home to play some video games - I tried to make this day as happy as possible for him. It hurts so much to see his eyes losing that spark and I'd do everything to fire it up again. He's just a kid and never deserved any of that, so it's my responsibility to give him his childhood as much as possible. Today was the first time he did not cry when we said our goodbyes... after 2.5 years... And I don't know if I should feel happy about it...
Anyways, that's my story so far. Sorry for it being too long or too dramatic at times, but that's how it is. I hope it might cheer someone up, or give you guys some perspective, to look back at your life, your stories, make sure you're doing it right not only for yourselves but for those you love, those who's around you. Thank you for listening out, and especially thanks to those (you know, if that's you) who didn't give up nor let it go, and kept poking me to see if I'm still alive, you made me realise I should (and want) to share this with you, guys.
I made my mistakes, I would like to hope that I've learned something from it. I hear a lot of complaints from around me. People are not happy with this and that. Salary, job, weather, food, politics, you name it. And it seems so little, so irrelevant, so laughable. In 8 years from now my son will be 18, and if I'm still alive - I'm gonna ask him if he thinks I did what was necessary, what was right. And all I can think of now - is to make sure I will hear "Yes, dad!". That's what I've learned about life and about goals, that fucking matter.
Peace.
Jay's out.