So what's next?
What a great question... I've always been a planning person. Tried to visualize and plan as far ahead as I can. Now - for the first time - I have no clue whatsoever what's going to happen to me next. Tomorrow morning I'm going to sit in my car and drive towards Hamburg. It's a 6-7 hour trip and I will arrive in the evening. I have a place to stay for the first couple of days/weeks. And I'm going to start working Monday.
That's it. Anything further than that is a complete blur.
I felt blessed for whole my life... It start off with my parents which are the best in the world. I was happy kid. I survived a hostile environment. Looking back - I wonder how did I stay alive in some situations. I went to the University - it was a lucky hit too. After couple of failed attempts and broken hearts - it seemed that I had found my other half. We were truly happy for a long time. I had great friends. After some troubles trying to find myself in physics - I almost accidentally ended up in the office that shaped my future career - and it was a dream career for any physicist. When I was desperate and thought about giving up on the guitar and the music - I found a band, again, accidentally. It fueled my passion and gave me strength. I discovered Go and dove into it, found new friends, new horizons. I found out about poker and it wasn't too cruel to me...
Then my son Rin came into my life. At first it was a mystery. Then it became the meaning of my life. For him I happily quit my job, gave up on my career and sacrificed a lot. I kept sacrificing a lot. He is the whole point of my existence. I re-evaluated my life. I gave up on my personal dreams - just to be there for him and make his dreams come true some day. Like a fruit falling down from a tree, full of juice - just to dry out and give it's all to the seed, so it could grow strong and healthy - that was the philosophy I have adopted.
And I trusted her... I thought she can see and appreciate it. Not many of men I know would do that. Would be selfless and brave enough. But you should never expect others to understand you. That's the lesson I've learned. I feel betrayed. And I feel that am betraying my son myself. Those nights when his mom were away for a week or two... he was crying, scared that he'll never see her again... I was there to comfort him and promise him that I will always be there for him... so he could fall asleep... And now... I am going to leave him and that's just killing me... it was killing me everyday for the last weeks and it didn't disappear or get easier. I can't stop my tears right now... I kind hoped I will be able to just get over it... but I guess I never will...
People who care about me - they say I did my best and I shouldn't blame myself. I know their intentions are good. But I also know that that's a lie. I fucked up. I let my son down and I gotta live with it now. How? I don't know. I will never forgive myself for that. My only hope is that he... he might forgive me... someday. He's too little to understand what's going on - but I feel his endless pain. And I am the one who's causing it. God... I... can't... take this...
I had it all - I was blessed, as I said. Now - I've lost it all. Tomorrow I'll have to say goodbye to my son - I don't know how will I go through this. How will I look into those little brown mirror eyes - I don't know. What I know for sure - that is going to be the worst day in my whole life. Then I will leave. And there will be only one way out of this - up. I'm going to start a new life and do as much as I can to redeem myself. I'll work as hard as I never did in my life. And will do as much as I can for my son. That's the only way I can imagine.
And I wanted to say - thank you guys... for all your support... it was another blessing I got when I didn't expect it at all. People who barely know me care about me more than a person who I thought would care about me and support me. She didn't care - but you did. You kept me afloat these days. I can't thank you enough...
And - goodbye! I've decided to take a break from poker for a while - for the reasons I've explained couple of days ago. Going to focus on rebuilding my life from scratch and... we'll see how it goes then. Hopefully I'll come back to this forum with a new poker challenge and we'll have some fun. Until then - I wish you all a good luck in your journeys, be it poker or life itself. Keep your heads up and work your fingers to the bone - that's how things are done.
Thank you, goodbye, take care!
Peace,
Jay.
