Bad Jokes

Steven from Liverpool, England was touring the United States Of America on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the Mojave desert of California. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on,long white plaits, wrinkled face.

“Who’s he?” Steven from Liverpool asked.

“That’s the Memory Man” said the bartender. “He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he’s ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out.”

So Steven goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English soccer,asks Steven;”Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

Memory Man; “Liverpool” replies the Memory Man.

Steven; “Who did they beat?”

Memory Man; “Leeds United” was the instant reply.

Steven; “And the score?”

Memory Man; “2-1.”

Steven; “Who scored the winning goal?”

Memory Man; “Ian St. John” said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.

The man from Liverpool was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

Six years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.

The Liverpudlian came close to him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory man looked at Steven and said, “Diving header in the six yard box.”

An elderly couple was sitting watching TV.
During a commercial, the husband asked the wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
The wife said nothing, but sat there -- clearly thinking hard.
During the next commercial she said, "You know, I don't know -- we didn't even get a Christmas card from them this year"

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was outstanding in his field!

A naked woman robbed the bank here today.
Strangely, no-one could remember her face.

Or possibly download it, then delete it because it takes too much memory.
Hmmm, I think I know people like that...

Have you heard about the newest fad?
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines all over the world.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”

Mr. Brown is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls.
The first candidate walks in and says, “I’m here for the accounting position.”
The boss asks him, “What’s 2+2?”
“4” replies the candidate.
Mr.Brown yells "Next!"
.
The next candidate then enters and the boss asks him, “What’s 2+2?”.
The candidate is thoughtful, and says, "In base 10, that would be 4, but in base 3 it would be 11...".
"Next!" interrupts Mr.Brown.

The next candidate then enters and the boss asks him, “What’s 2+2”.
The candidate makes an elaborate show of searching the entire room, under the desks, in all the lampshades, and even behind the curtains, which he closes
He then returns to the interview desk and whispers, "What would you want it to be?"
Mr.Brown says, “You’re hired.”

A battery with a set of jumper cables attached walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Well, I will serve you, but don't start anything"

A Newfie[1] went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?” The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?” The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said,

“This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?” Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie,

“Just where the hell are you from?”

The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,

“You tell me, you’re the expert.”

[1] A person from Newfoundland.