A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
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"my friend is a blackjack dealer. on his forearm he has a tattoo of a an ace and a jack. i'm a blackjack player, i'm going to get a tattoo of a ten and a two. maybe later a king." - mitch hedberg
Over the weekend I went to a party where there were a bunch of stoners all sitting around rolling joints and talking about fishing.
One guy says, "We caught 7 rainbows. We ate three, and smoked the rest".
Mrs Vorpal chimes in, "How did you get them in those tiny papers?"
I love that girl.
There once was a man from Dundee
Who was stung in the neck by a wasp
when asked, "Does it hurt"
He said, "No, but this limerick is painful"
Originally posted by ExternalUseOnly
Why did dracula go to the doctors?Because of his coffin
actually this is pretty good ♦
Man went to the doctor.
Doctor: 'What seems to be the trouble?'
Man: 'I have a bad dose of the runs doctor.'
Doctor: 'Take this prescription for gravy granules to the supermarket and take three spoonsful after every meal.'
Man: 'Gravy granules!? Will they cure it?'
Doctor: 'No, but they'll thicken it nicely.'
...al get ma coat...
After several prescriptions for cough medicine the patient said, "Doc, nothing seems to be working, what else can I try".
Doc scribbles on his pad, and says, "Here try this..."
Patient: "What is it? A super anti-coughing compound?"
Doc: "No. It's the world's most powerful laxative.
Now you don't dare cough"
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine?
Spoiler
Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
A blonde goes into an appliance store. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."
A 13 year old boy came home from school all happy. His mother asked, "what did you do today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room untill his father got home. When the father arrived the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!"
The dad, with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs. He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of you, Im going to get you that bike you have always wanted!"
They go out to the store and buy the best bike they could find, and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home. To which the son replied,
"No thanks dad, my bum is still sore."
Man and his wife are having sex, they are doing it hot and heavy, when suddenly they hear a noise, it's his son Timmy standing at the doorway, he is shocked and runs back to his room. Father says to his wife "i'll go talk with Timmy." Father goes to Timmy's room and see that Timmy is giving hot and heavy to his gradma and father says "Oh..My...God" and timmy says "it's not so fun when it's your mother isn't it?" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
An American, a German and a Dutchman walk into a bar.
Then the bartender says: "Is this a bad joke or what?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you sell a boat to a guy who has impaired hearing?
Spoiler
"WANNA BUY A BOAT?"
Two horses walk down the road.
One horse hits his head in a street lamp and the other one has an aunt in Argentina.
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.
The man asks the bartender for two pints, one for him, one for the giraffe. They both finish their drinks and the man asks for another round. This continues a few more times, until the giraffe is clearly drunk and is slouched over the bar.
The man gets up to leave and makes no effort to take the giraffe with him. He's at the door when the bartender shouts to him, "You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
Originally posted by trickybob
Apparently, Tesco are testing their veggie burgers for traces of uniquorn!
Winner winner!
“I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.”
That’s the way Green County Sheriff’s deputy Marcus Horna describes it. The incident he refers to happened last wednesday on highway 311 near the Ghor Rd. intersection. Janice Behr was pulled over on the shoulder because her tire blew out. Behr called 911 for assistance and Deputy Horna responded to the call.
As he approached the vehicle, Deputy Horna was caught on dashcam footage violating a department policy. Footage shows him walk out of his car with a cigarette clearly dangling from his left hand. Behr, who works for a BP station, had just delivered some plastic cans of gasoline to a local hardware store because of a special trade arrangement the two businesses share. Unknown to Behr, some gas had splashed out onto her back seat. Dashcam footage then shows Deputy Horna, with total disregard for Behr’s vehicle, flick his cigarette into the back seat of her car.
“It seemed managable and this is my only car,” is the excuse Behr offers for trying to put the fire out instead of leaving the car. Footage shows her lean into the back seat and begin smacking at the flames while Deputy Horna looks on. After some seconds, flames can be seen moving to the front seat, where Behr’s right sleeve catches fire. She then runs out of the vehicle in a panic, waving her arm around like something out of a movie.
But what happens next is the most surprising. Footage shows Deputy Horna rush over to Behr, where he grabs her by the neck and throws her to the ground. Behr believed that Horna was trying to put her out, which he did, but only because he was handcuffing her. Incredibly, Behr can be heard on camera wailing in agonizing pain while Horna drags her up by the very arm that was burning and pulls her back to his patrol car.
When asked to defend his actions Deputy Horna repeated his earlier statement, “I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.” When pressed for further comment he added, “The woman leaped out the car with her arm on fire and was whirling about like a maniac so I cuffed her and charged her. It is against the law to do that, you can’t run around with your arm in flames, so I charged her.”
And what was the charge?
“Illegal use of a fire arm,” Horna says.
I met a mushroom at the bar last night, at first i thought he was a dick but it turns out he was a real fun guy...
I used to have a red boat, but it got marooned.
A man has been admitted to hospital with 16 toy horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.
Q. how many ears did yuri the dog they sent into space have?
A. 3, The left ear, the right ear and space, the final front ear
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way!