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That moment when you are at a poolparty with the squad and you are lowkey drowning because you cant swim, but dont want to ruin the fun
A man phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is going to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband" he replied
A young lass asked the shopkeeper "May I please try on that dress in the window?"
The shopkeeper replied "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room, if you don't mind."
Apparently if your wife says "If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new"
"Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic
The managers of Liverpool, Hartlepool and Arsenal went on a Sahara holiday together.
Deep into the desert, they got lost, ran out of food and then their camel dropped dead. They decide that they are so hungry that they will have to eat the camel.
The manager of Liverpool says "As I am the manager of Liverpool, I shall have the liver".
The manager of Hartlepool says "As I am the manager of Hartlepool, I shall have the heart".
The manager of Arsenal says " Actually guys, I'm not that hungry".
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks...
Cost me an arm and a leg!
Heisenberg was speeding down the freeway, when he was targeted by a cop with a laser gun.
When he was pulled over, the officer asked, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
No, replied Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am".
Well sir, stated the cop, "You were going exactly 220 km/h"
"Oh no!" exclaimed Heisenberg, "Now I'm lost!"
Meanwhile Schrödinger, in the back seat sat there half laughing to himself...
Breaking news..
Donald Trump has announced that he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again!
That awkward moment when you leave a shop without buying anything and you tell yourself, "Act natural, you're innocent!"